uh huh

i try,i do not try, same result.
i stare over the edge into the abyss,it always beckons.it would be so easy and darkness would envelope.people are could at escaping,hence the popularity of alchohol.i do not drink.there is no escape for me,i am in the here and now always.i am aware of all my short comings yet never seem to correct them.i have so much to do yet i do nothing.i do not feel like other people,some tragedy happens and not a twinge of interest from me,some stupid scene in a stupid movie that does not mean anything and i am crying like a baby.i would like to go out side and scream at god"hey you,what the fuck were you thinking" but god does not exist in my world.on more escape i do not have nor do i want.the ideal is always there but it is flawed,i know that,nothing can ever be everything you ever wanted.i am tired and i am writing bullshit and i am feeling sorry for my self.i went throwing tonight,the session was quite succesful ,some good throws,what does it mean,fuck all.work is sucking a bit,what does it mean,fuck all.what does it mean in the end,fuck all.what is the meaning of life,there is not one,you are born,you die and along the way you do shit.that is enough of this,i promise to be cheerier tomorrow.