A short biography of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met
ChuckNorris.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot
broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia
Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.


Rather than being birthed
like a normal child, Chuck Norris
instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly
thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good
looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the
transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in
the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony,
couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second
Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the
JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all threebullets with
his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head
exploded out of sheer amazement.


When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He
also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and
buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the
gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other
Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their
combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly
after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris
smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7
different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by
flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck
Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris can make a
woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by
yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic
bomb on Hiroshima rather than the
alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more
"humane".

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see
Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris
once went to a frat party, and proceeded to
roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs
and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.



Chuck Norris
doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your
erection
lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been
known to last for up to 15 days.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact
that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact
tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.